Are you going to let your fear of WHAT IFs hold you prisoner?

It’s the year 2006, I had a good boss who just let me do whatever I want.
So I was struggling if I’m actually ready to 'fire myself’.

Because I felt like I was losing my value everyday.

This feeling (I believe) will hit us multiple times in our lives…

(So trust me you’ve still got to deal with it sooner or later.)

And nope I hadn’t hit mid age crisis yet

Hmmm…But now I am mid age, so yeah- I would say they feel similar!

Back to losing value:

All I did at work was watch online shows surfing the internet, then take naps when I felt sleepy…

Wow great life right? Maybe to you, but not for me.

To wait for time to pass so slowly, just waiting for things to happen in an environment I didn’t like = PAINFUL

P/s: It’s not that watching shows are bad because I get so many inspirations now from stories and other people’s drama…

It’s THE ENVIRONMENT and the emotions that you feel inside it.

I don’t feel good. Period.

Ultimately, it became harder to ignore the whisperings in my heart: “Is this what you are willing to do for the rest of your life?”

My reply to myself "Heck NO"
More whisperings: "If not, what then?"
“Ermmmm…. I don’t know....”

If I really fired myself:
- What if I cannot make it on my own and then I starve to death?

So I continued.

However, it came to a point where I just felt miserable everyday going to work.

I had enough of those what ifs!

That unfulfillment & unhappiness got so intense that I actually managed to channel my fear & misery to become my most powerful source of fuel

Weird right? I wonder how that happened…

Because it drove me forward like nothing else

So, I added more fears into my mind to kick my own ass

1) The fear of having my mom nag me to death
2) The fear of having to be dependent and miserable and no control in my life

3) The fear of having to go back to work in a 10-9, feeling 'chained up' & no freedom.

If you were wondering, nope.

I didn’t perform crazily at rocket speed.

But I made sure I took steps moving forward while constantly checking back with my 'feelings'

You know how sometimes your insides & guts have this sense of sure conviction that you are in the RIGHT DIRECTION?

Yeap that’s what happened to my insides …

I just knew.

So thank God for savings, I could afford not to be at other people’s mercy for some time while I tried to figure things out.

I had enough so I could do things progressively that could make me -NOT be a burden to others

Independence & Responsibility.

These are important to me.

Then I asked myself:
What’s the worse that could happen if I ran out of money $?

Sweep the floor?
Or I figured I could at least become a librarian!
(Librarian not bad right?)

Books surrounding me all day on an air-conditioned space.

No I'm not kidding...

These were the actual practical & logical reasons for me to convince myself that I will never die of hunger as long I have a willing heart.

Turned out that exploring entrepreneurship was way better than I expected.

And it made me very aware of who I am and also helped me hone my 'society' skills.

It’s an ongoing journey.

This is what life is for me.

Truly experiential on my own terms!

So really, the lesson here is: you can have whatever you want.
But first you gotta know yourself well.

“What do you want?”

Or at least try and explore until you do.

Don’t think about the too many ‘WHAT IFS'
Try first, then decide after.

The worse? Just go and become a librarian...

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